Elder Humor

I am posting this before the debate so we can all have a good laugh before the stress rises.

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 90!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Laugh Long and Hard

I have a busy day scheduled and will only make one comment on the debate. Others have covered it better than I could.

I thought John McCain looked sick. He seemed to be having great difficulty in making a coherent statement and he appeared to be reciting his attack points (Of which there were many) by rote the way a child says his/her ABC's.

Now that I have that out of my system I am going to post another humorous piece for your laugh today.

In the event that you haven't seen this I think you will find it a real tension reliever. Even if you have seen it before it's worth another laugh.

The Problem of Illegal Immigration

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada (a very underground paper):

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,' said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. 'He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?'

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. 'Not real effective,' he said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.'

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

'A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an Ontario border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. 'They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.'

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. 'If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,' an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many art-history and English majors does one country need?'

~Author Unknown

A Break From Politics

This arrived in my e-mail box and I liked it so much I decided to share it with you.

I think we all need to take a deep breath and get away from the political nastiness for a day. I know I need to or I won't survive the next four weeks.

Enjoy!

The computer swallowed grandpa. Yes, honestly its true! He pressed 'control and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured him completely, The thought just makes me squirm. he must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandpa you should see, Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him And send him back to me. This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and . .... learned to use the Computer.... . They are the greatest!!! We do not stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing . NEVER Be The First To Get Old!

Elder Jokes

Sometimes we have to keep our sense of humor and have a good laugh at ourselves. Remember what keeps the doctor away. ;-)

And if you've heard them before remember, I'm older than dirt and my jokes are too.

Enjoy!!!

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'

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Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.'

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Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Senior T-Shirt

I need to be more careful. Some of you may have seen this on the previous post. Today I noticed a typo in the title so I edited it and the graphics just disappeared.

I am posting it again because I think we all need a laugh after my rants. (Maybe they are funny enough.) I hope that gremlin doesn't steal the t-shirt this time.

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The Senior T-Shirt! We are Valuable!! We are more valuable than any of the younger generations: We have silver in our hair, We have gold in our teeth. We have stones in our kidneys. We have lead in our feet. And We are loaded with natural gas!!! Thought for the day Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.

Aaron Wilburn, a Very Funny Guy