Sunday, January 24, 2010

Minor Surgery and a Giggle

I will not be on line for a few days.  I am having an 'eye tuck' tomorrow.  It is not for cosmetic enhancement, but because that dratted droopy eyelid is interfering with my vision.  My daughter is coming to pamper me (lucky me) and I expect her momentarily. 

I think we all need a laugh after the week's depressing news so I will leave you with this.

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!! 

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.. 
'What are my choices?' John asked. 
'Yes or no,' she replied.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' 
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. 
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' 
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.


Paula said...

Thanks for this, Darlene, I feel better already. Good luck with your surgery.

kenju said...

Good luck with your surgery! I need to have that done too - well, not need - but

Love the jokes.

Joy Des Jardins said...

I love those smart ass jokes Darlene....just what we all needed sweetie. Good luck with your eye tuck surgery. I could use a few tucks several eyes being one of them. Hugs, Joy

Rain said...

good luck with the eye tuck and nice your daughter can be there.

20th Century Woman said...

May your eye tuck be quick, painless and effective. I'll be thinking of you.

My favorite smart comeback was the college teacher with the exam. I would love to have delivered one as good as that when I was teaching.

Hattie said...

Thanks and good luck with the surgery! It is nice to begin the day with a laugh!

One Woman's Journey said...

Darlene, thank you for smile you put on my face. Heal quickly and I am pleased your daughter can be with you.

tnlib said...

I love the one about the teacher but I also like the one about the "stub." Good luck on the surgery and be glad that your daughter is coming.

Cowtown Pattie said...

Looking forward to having you back.

Take care!

Tabor said...

Since your blog link keeps getting buried at the bottom f my blogroll due to those strange html's I can't remove, I forget to get here as often as I want. At least I got a good laugh this morning! I suggest you go for the whole lift anyway.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs, Darlene. You are good at providing them.

You will be a new person! Hope the surgery is a snap for you.

(If they started pulling up my eyelid, I might end up with my belly button on my nose.)
Cop Car

Friko said...

Darlene, old girl, you made me laugh all by my lonesome, up here in my little study.
well done!

Hope the op goes well and you'll be back to your old tricks.

Good luck!

Darlene said...

To all who commented, I thank you for the good wishes. I will get back to blogging in a few days. Please forgive me for not answering individually. I am pressed for time right now. My daughter left Wednesday and I am having to pamper myself. :-)

Baino said...

Darlene you're a real tonic. Take it easy with the eye tuck (get them to do some extra work but make sure you don't end up with that surprised look! Best of luck to you. Much love. Helen.

Darlene said...

*Baino - I tried to get a free face lift thrown in, but my insurance couldn't understand how that would help my vision. ;-)