Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Helen and Contest Winners

Instead of writing my blog I am directing you to one of my favorite blogs. If you want to read a really good post from a funny lady go to this link.

Helen is so very funny that it is no wonder that she has so many followers. I envy her and admire her and wish I had her talent. Unless you think Sarah Palin has a brain you will love her post.

I just had to share this.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Made you laugh, didn't I?


Looking to the Stars said...

LOL, this was GREAT. I loved it!!! For the first set my favorite was 15 and for the second set, it was a toss up between 9 & 16.Thanks for the laugh :)

Darlene said...

*Looking to the Stars - You're welcome. After you read this I added a link at the top. If you want another laugh go back and click on it. I still can't leave a comment on your blog, darn it.

Joy Des Jardins said...

Helen is the best, isn't she? What a fantastic post...and one I agree with completely; but then, Helen usually writes things I totally agree with. She is an amazing lady...God bless her. It's apparent that EVERYONE loves her by the incredible number of comments she gets on every post. She just says it like it is with her beautiful humor...and we all appreciate it. I may not make it over to Helen's every day; but when I do...she knocks my socks off. Take care Darlene... Hugs, Joy

Darlene said...

*Naomi Dagen Bloom left this comment but it didn't post.

Yes, it did. These lists require return visits so I might remember one or two--out of the many splendid inventions--to tell others. Oh, we so need some laughs these days, thanks!

Rummuser said...

I wish that I was American so that I could respond to Helen. I also wish that we had a few Helens of our own here.

The new definitions are a riot too. Thanks.

Darlene said...

*Rummuser - You don't have to be American to respond to Helen. I am sure she would love to have your 'take' on her post.

kenju said...

Indeed you did make me laugh!!

The Empress of The Style Invitational said...

Actually, there isn't any "Mensa Invitational," but The Washington Post does have a wonderfully clever humor contest called The Style Invitational. And two Invitational contests from 1998 are the sources of many of the neologisms in the list above. (But not all: For example, "decafalon" isn't a one-letter change from "decathlon," is it? Or "caterpallor"?)

Much better to see the the current Invitational -- every week at We've had more than 600 contests since the ones above! The Style Invitational is published every Saturday in The Post's Style (features) section, and every Friday afternoon at about 3:30 Eastern time. There are neologism contests regularly, and lots of other sources of humor as well.

In fact, we just did the change-one-letter contest a few weeks ago, except that you had to start with a word beginning with Q, R, or S. Here are some of the top winners (results printed Aug. 28):

Republicant: "Government can't solve your problems -- elect us so we can prove it." (Evan Hadley, Potomac, Md.)

Quinceañerda: A teen's party with piñatas, dungeons and dragons. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala)

Quickstand: The one-nighter that sinks a marriage. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

Buick-tempered: Unexcitable. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Refiance: To replace your subprime boyfriend when your interest starts to vary. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Crapacity: The size of one's attic. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Rococoa: Haute chocolate. (Nick Curtis, Alexandria, Va.)

See the rest of the winners and learn how to enter the current contest at Or you can become a fan of "Washington Post Style" on Facebook (go to ) and you'll get a link to the Invitational when it's posted. I hope you become a regular reader and maybe even a regular entrant.

Best, The Empress of The Style Invitational

The Washington Post

Darlene said...

*Kenju- Happy that I did.

*The Empress of the Style Inv. - Thank you for the information and the funny neologisms.

I deeply appreciate your visit and do hope you will drop in from time to time.

Kay Dennison said...

Thank you for a wonderful morning laugh!!!! I love word play!!!

Darlene said...

*Kay Dennison - You re most welcome.

Nancy said...

OMG, Darlene! Can you imagine?

The Washington Post is reading YOUR blog??

I am proud of you!

joared said...

Funny bits! Minimal words are often used in speech-language therapy for word discrimination i.e. bit vs bat, kit vs sit, etc.

20th Century Woman said...

What a treat!

Darlene said...

*Nancy - Ha Ha - I wish.

*Jaored - That's interesting. Those are the kind of words that a hearing impaired person misunderstands.

*20th Century Woman - I'm glad you found it so.

Xtreme English said...

Darlene, thanks as always for your great contribution to my mental state. i seem to have seen at least some of them before, though, non???

Darlene said...

*Xtreme English - Oh yeah, they aren't all original. See the comment by The Empress of the Style Invitational.

naomi dagen bloom said...

Entertained my spouse with some of these...wonderful idea!

Darlene said...

Nnaomi Dagen Bloom - I hope he laughed.

Vagabonde said...

I had never seen the blog of Margaret and Helen. I followed your link and read her post. She is so absolutely right. The minority is dictating to the majority of Americans because they are too lazy to vote. It is so pathetic and so scary at the same time. Thanks for the link and I’ll go back to check more of their posts.

Darlene said...

*Vagabonde - Helen does most of the writing, but she doesn't post often. When she does, it's a hoot.

joared said...

Yes, these minimum word pairs as I described earlier are part of programs we use for auditory discriminatory therapy for various speech issues including for those with hearing problems. Those three letter words are the beginning level with word length gradually increasing and becoming more complex to sentence then conversational level.

Those with hearing loss also often benefit from localization activities so they can recognize where sounds are coming from -- front back, which side,etc.

Darlene said...

*Joared - Thank you for the information. I was under the impression that localization came from being able to hear with both ears.

kate said...

Wow I have laughed till tears pour down my face. Thank you so much. My Catalan partner asked what is funny and I am wondering if you need to be a native english speaker to really enjoy them. Will find out....thanks again - Kate