The Middle Wife

When you are in deep shit look straight ahead, keep your head up and say nothing.

That's me in the middle. (Aren't I the foxy one, though?) I think I have ranted on health care reform about long enough. While I still have one person left who will read my blog I think I should take a break. So here, for a welcome change of pace, is my favorite kid story. I hope you laugh as hard as I did when I first read it.

The Middle Wife

by Anonymous

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, and stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about two Saturday's ago my Mom started saying and going 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh'". Erica puts her hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like and hour, "Oh, oh, oh!". Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this big bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like pusshheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much.

"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'Push, push' and 'breathe, breathe'." They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then all of a sudden out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from Mom's play-center, so there must have been a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

The End