Laughter Is the Best Medicine

This came in my e-mail and I laughed so hard I completely forgot about the craziness of the world for a few minutes.  I'll bet you would like a break from the all of the bad news that we hear on a daily basis.  

Take a deep breath and fasten your seat belt so you won't fall our of your chair. Our Australian friends 'down under' have a delicious sense of humor.  Enjoy!!!

 

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A:  A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
______________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays everyTuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Blog Spot is at it again.   No matter how hard I try, it is determined to format this with spaces between sentences.  I hate you Blog Spot.

Laughter Is the Best Medicine

It's time for another break from all the craziness going on in the world.  If we can keep laughing we will survive the insanity.  The following made me laugh and I hope they will do the same for you.


Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning  at 10 AM.. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
 ---------------------------------

Nancy sent the following video to me and if the laughter didn't make you feel better, this video surely will.  It's Sutton Foster  and the cast rehearsing a dance number for Anything Goes.

Humor to Relax By

Today I was trying to decide what to rant about.   Should I write about the terrible damage the Republicans were trying to foist on the unsuspecting public?  Would it be the stupidity of trying to end the funding to a very worthwhile organization like Planned Parenthood. cutting the funding for the remaining, and very frayed, social network for the disadvantaged, putting prayer in everything, privatizing Social Security, repealing the Health Care Reform act, removing the restrictions on the corporations fouling our air with pollutants, or ending the already weakened oversight on banks and corporations?

Thinking about all of the above made me feel discouraged, depressed, and angry.  I don't like feeling this way.

Then I got this in my e-mail today and I laughed out loud.  I think those of us who consider ourselves liberals or progressives need all the laughter we can find to keep us sane now that the ignorant are running the country.  

Instead of a rant I am posting the following:

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! 

 Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

 British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.   When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

 

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

   

 NASA responded with a one-line memo --

 

 "Defrost the chicken."

Burma Shave

I really need to laugh today.  Maybe you could use a smile.  Here are some memories that take me back to a simpler time.  
 

For some of us, this brings back great memories.  For you younger ones, you don't know what you missed!

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. 

They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs,  about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
 

Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.BURMA SHAVE
 

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAPBurma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKEBurma Shave

 
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN ITBurma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEERBurma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHEREBurma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODEBurma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKINGBurma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...
LIKE ME!

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

I'm still healing and I really don't feel like sitting long enough to write a rant.  I know you will probably appreciate a few giggles instead.  This way we both will be happy. 


As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.




4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.


10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'


11.. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.


12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.

New Wine For Elders

I am busy today and will refer you to one of my favorite blogs.  If you want to read a really good blog head over to "The Rant" by Tom Degan.   He is a master of satire and his take on politics matches my own.  He gets some lively
debates going because some of his followers are as far right as Tomis to the left.  It's great fun. He wrote a post today that I wish I had written on Sarah Palin. While I vowed to never give her the time of day again,  I really enjoyed Tom's rant.  Here is the link:http://tomdegan.blogspot.com/    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You can tell from my photo that I still enjoy  good wine and when thisarrived in my e-mail I just had to share.

I kid you not.... a new wine for elders has been  developed. California Vinters in the Napa Valley area,which primarily produce  Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot  Grigio wines have developed  a  new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.  It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.  The new wine will be marketed as    PINO MORE    I HEARD IT THROUGH  THE GRAPEVINE I just couldn't help it.      Sorry!

PBS Documentary Pfffft!!!!

Instead of the PBS program on health care reform airing at 8 pm as scheduled my local station delayed it until 10 pm last night when I would normally be headed for bed.  Being a glutton for punishment, I stayed up to watch it.  That is something I regretted.  I did not learn anything new, but had to listen to the idiot, Senator Tom Coburn, R. Oklahoma, spout his opposition to health care reform; specifically, any part of it that would be of any value.  He is a doctor and I was really amazed to hear him say that people should help each other instead of reforming the insurance industries.  This was in answer to a question about what people should do if they didn't have health insurance.  Now I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm qualified to remove a ruptured spleen. 

He ranted on about the cost to our children and grandchildren.  I would love to have asked him if mine would even be alive if he had his way.  They wouldn't be if they didn't have insurance and had a serious illness.



Of course, I am exaggerating somewhat, but not by much.  When a woman in his Town Hall meeting told of the insurance company sending her husband home with a feeding tube that she didn't know how to care for, Coburn magnanimously offered to have her come to his office and they (presumably, his staff) would help.  Does anyone else beside me find this absolutely irrelevant and impractical?   Maybe a better word would be ludicrous. 


I think I need a laugh at this point and I'll bet you could use one too.  I had some funny animal pictures on this post yesterday, but they have vanished into cyber space.  I tried retrieving them, but  my entire editing system is now FUBAR.  I think I need to start all over with a clean slate.  The more I try to fix things, the worse they get.  My patience is exhausted.   I hope you have a joke or two in your e-mail box because I am unable to post any funnies to lighten the mood.

Abbott and Costello

Be sure to read Nancy's story on the Elder Story Telling Place today. AS usual when Nancy writes a story you will find yourself laughing loud and long. Here's the link:

http://www.timegoesby.net/elderstorytelling/2009/08/the-dinner-party.html

****************

Some days I feel this way about my computer. It's beyond comprehension. Even the techies can't figure out what's wrong. Can't live with them and can't live without them. What to do?


You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows ! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

The Middle Wife

When you are in deep shit look straight ahead, keep your head up and say nothing.

That's me in the middle. (Aren't I the foxy one, though?) I think I have ranted on health care reform about long enough. While I still have one person left who will read my blog I think I should take a break. So here, for a welcome change of pace, is my favorite kid story. I hope you laugh as hard as I did when I first read it.

The Middle Wife

by Anonymous

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, and stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about two Saturday's ago my Mom started saying and going 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh'". Erica puts her hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like and hour, "Oh, oh, oh!". Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this big bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like pusshheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much.

"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'Push, push' and 'breathe, breathe'." They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then all of a sudden out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from Mom's play-center, so there must have been a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

The End

An Exciting Week

You will not be seeing my name on your blogs for the next week or so. My daughter, Gail,and granddaughters, Rachel and Sarah, will be arriving tonight for a most welcome visit. I am looking forward to seeing them and will really enjoy having them. I may even get out to take some pictures. My computer time will probably be limited to answering e-mail. I will try to make up for it after my girls leave with tales of our activities.

Red Alert: The best laid plans of mice and men so often go astray. The girls did not arrive last night as scheduled. Instead I got a phone call from Gail in a Huntington Beach ER where Rachel was undergoing an X-ray. She hurt herself on a concrete park bench and was in a lot of pain. I believe they had stopped at the park to take the dog for a walk. Fortunately, there were no broken bones and they will continue on to see me when Rachel feels up to it.
They told me to cheer up, things could be worse; so I cheered up and, sure enough, they got worse.



Monday I took a spill on my scooter and the firemen had to come pick me up again. It's getting downright embarrassing. I don't think they will have any trouble finding my house from now on. I consider myself lucky because I fell on my good hip and it didn't break. It is swollen and I am sure I will have a stunning bruise in all colors, but if it didn't break I will not complain. Some additional pain in my neck and shoulder kept me awake, but I will heal -slowly, to be sure. The scooter turned over with me in it and we both survived .

I will leave you with this very old poem that you have probably seen dozens of times:

I Am Fine

There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I do have arthritis in both my knees.
And when I speak, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak and my blood is thin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Arch supports I use for my feet
Or I wouldn't be able to step on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
And every morning , I find I'm a sight.
My memory's fading, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

The moral is - as this tale I unfold -
That for me and for you who are growing old,
It's better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let the world know the shape we are in.

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my git up and go has got up and went.
Yet I really don't mind when I think once again,
Of all the grand places my git up has been.

Old age is golden, or so I've heard said.
But sometimes I wonder as I climb into bed -
With my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up -
As sleep dims my eyes I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should place on the shelf?

When I was young my slippers were red.
I could kick my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue.
I found I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old. My slippers are black.
I walk to the store and puff my way back.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits.
I pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead.
So, I eat a good breakfast ...
And go back to bed.

Newfoundland Medical Dictionery

I am starting my second year of blogging with a smile. I hope to end it that way, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People in Newfoundland have the Lowest Stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously, you are going to die anyway, so live life and drink till you cannot lift your own mug!

Newfoundland Dictionery

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die

Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic.......................... A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate......................... To live long

Enema..........................Not a friend

Fester......................... Quicker than someone else

Fibula......................... A small lie

Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid........................ A higher offer

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis................. ........ Second cousin to Elvis s

Post Operative............ A letter carrier

Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport

Tablet.......................a small table

Tumor........................ One plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I saw you smiling.

Puns For Smarties

My e-mail provided me with another bit of humor. This is the second time I have received this list, so it's been around awhile. I laughed the second time and maybe you will too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Puns for the Intellectual

I thought I would lighten up for the weekend. Read these and laugh.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!