Friday, May 15, 2009

Puns for the Intellectual

I thought I would lighten up for the weekend. Read these and laugh.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

12 comments:

Nancy said...

23. " When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion."

When they ate the clown, one cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

And, when they saw that the missionary was in the pot but there was no fire, one cannibal said to the other,"Oh, no don't tell me. COLD CUTS AGAIN."

Sylvia K said...

Just the giggles I needed this afternoon, Darlene! Thanks these are great!!Have a great weekend!

Darlene said...

* Nancy - Gee, you always top me, funny lady.

* Sylvia - Always glad to oblige. You have a great weekend, too. Maybe another trip to the zoo?

Joy Des Jardins said...

These are GREAT! I love puns. Thanks Darlene....have a wonderful weekend sweetie....Hugs, Joy

Granny Annie said...

Great list of puns!

I saw where you reprinted Gail's mother's day comment in a post. I had seen that and was so touched. You need to just post it on you sidebar permanently or have it printed on a T-shirt to wear.

Nancy said...

Darlene,

I never mean to top you, I just hope to add to the fun you are already having.....

Darlene said...

* Joy - You have a great weekend, too.

* Granny Annie - I had to brag a little more. ;-). The T-shirt sounds like a great idea.

* Nancy - You can top me any time you want.

Betty said...

Funny post. Just the thing for the weekend.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to you, Darlene, and to your comments for lightening the day.
Cop Car

One Woman's Journey said...

You make me smile. Have a good day.

Vagabonde said...

I love these puns, and Nancy’s cannibal story is great too – they put smiles on a rainy Sunday, thanks

Darlene said...

* Betty, Cop Car, Ernestine, and Vagabonde - I'm glad I made you smile.